Fear

I still worry that I will starve when I go to Gatton. I worry about how I have to pay exact change for my meals at the dining hall. It's going to take a lot outta me. Scared scared scared just scared. I can learn to cook from Titi or Poo. Will Hisham feed me or will he not give a shit if I starve?

Satisfy

Now it seems that my life is all about keeping my mom from getting mad at me. All the things that I do now are things that my mom suggested I should do. I have no will of my own. If she didn't care about my activities, I would be doing absolutely nothing...well not really...I think I would be extremely bored if I did that. It's like I'm doing things for her and not myself. Like I do it because she told me to.

Words

My mother's words really made my day. I mean it was the highlight of my day. She wants me to socialize. "Why don't you join an interest group?" When she says that it's like those mothers who have to find friends for her lonely son. Now that is pathetic. I have friends here, though I don't see them much. What does she want me to do? She's always letting me do what I want, but I can't stay home and play video games!? Does she still have a problem with me playing video games? I guess she still does. It's a big waste of time. I admit I'm scared of interacting with people to an extent. Scared if being ridiculed if I say something wrong. Scared of acting like a fool. Scared of stuttering and saying the wrong things. Scared that the world will end if the conversation doesn't go smoothly. Scared that there is a misunderstanding. That's my struggle in life.

Reboot

I remember the days when I read Sophie's world, liked animals, had an interest in watching television and playing video games. Now I feel like different person. The Road Less Traveled said that you become a new person after you go through depression. He was right. I have much less interest in playing video games, watching movies and anything else that I found interesting. Wish I had a pet though, something to take care of. A turtle would be nice. I talked with my mom just before about my condition and situation. It was a good talk. She wants me to do activities of equal stress to university life, so I'll be prepared. I still have urges to kiss random people, but the urge is much less now. I like my collection of music, it's one of the things I hold dear. The doctor increase my dose of ACA. It makes me feel weak in the knees. What do I want? What do I believe in? I believe in God or Allah. I have to believe that I am still capable of showing my intellect and put it to use. I need that for university. People say I'm intelligent, but am I. Sometimes I think I'm slow. My personality has been rebooted. I am a different person having passed depression and schizophrenia.

Heartburn

I get so sleepy after I eat dinner. My eyes get heavy. It's not because of the medicine, that usually takes until 10 pm. Now it's right after I eat. There's this pain where near my heart. I think it's like heartburn. Or maybe caused by sleeping too much. I should really find an activity to do in the daytime.

Good day

On Thursday I voted for Angel's mom to be DPRD. I dipped my pinkie in a jar of ink. I hope it is not a possible cause of cancer. Dinda invited me to eat lunch with the girls and a guy named Ipung. Nurul was also there, haven't seen her in a long time. I accepted the offer. Better than being at home, not knowing what to do. We ate bakso. I made friends with a a girl named Yuran. Apparently, Dinda told her that I played the piano. I told her I could play some Final Fantasy songs and that I practiced every day. They, Yuran and Brina, looked impressed. Brina took a picture of me. They kept asking me where I lived: near Lumphini park. They listed to mencontek by padhyangan on my iPod. It was better for me than to eat in some expensive restaurants with my parents. Doctor said I need to practice my social skills. I waited till four pm for the car to some back. I had a headache when I was at home.

Gee Utada

I got the physical copy of Utada's new album: This is the One yesterday. I walked to Central Chidlom and back after it rained carrying an umbrella and wearing a cap. The album was manufactured in Thailand. It came with a tank top for girls. The cover art was bad, the font of the cover art was bad and the pages were upside down. I was a bit disappointed. I also bought SNSD's Gee mini album. It had tons of pictures of the girls in the booklet. Just looking at the pictures gave me a hard on.

Tired

Something's wrong with me. No shit! It seems that whenever I try to do anything I become tired easily. Even just trying to concentrate on the piano music sheet makes me tired. Just going to thai lessons makes me exhausted. I hate being exhausted. Is it the fuckin' medicine that's causing this. Will I be able to learn thai every day? I can never stay up late because the medicine makes me sleepy. Fucking Abilify!